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This week, the latest cohort of 17/18 year olds got their A Level Results.
Just over twenty years ago I got mine. I only have one memory attached to that day, and it was the look of disappointment my mum gave me when she found out I hadn’t got a single “A” grade.
Not even in music. Of course, those of you who have followed my story/read my book, may be aware that at the start of sixth form I was in a complicated love triangle with two boys… I spent most of my sixth form in a mental turmoil, barely focussing on the studies, trying to work out who I loved and was hoping to spend the rest of my life with! On that day I got “BCCD” – unforgettable but for all the wrong reasons. My friends around me were celebrating higher grades, most notably that they’d got one or two “A”s. My mum’s words echoed round my head “I hope you’re going to resit these!”
Actually no I wasn’t willing to resit them just to chase an “A” which seemed unachievable to me at that point, but the university I’d set my heart on had already accepted me. I had grade 8 piano under my belt, and the potential for Grade 8 viola (but no certificate because my teacher at the time didn’t agree with the exam boards)
Alas, the difference between my GCSE results (with a single A*) and my A Level results (No As) was stark. I’d been gifted a portable Minidisc player, and been allowed to get my hair highlighted red for my GCSE results. For my A Level results, I received nothing. I didn’t think of myself as entitled, but it might have been nice to have a simple “well done, you got into your university of choice!” or something to that tune.
This event set a precedent for my immediate future. I went to university particularly anxious, with a mindset that I was average at best. Fearing failure at every turn, because if I didn’t get an “A” that was a fail.. that was how I’d been brought up. I bumbled through university, scraping passes here and there, getting frequent “C”s. I ended up scraping a 2:1 which allowed me to continue in to the Masters’ Degree.
My parents were obviously hoping I’d get a 1st, but only one English student and one Welsh student in my year obtained that. I did the Masters’ Degree, scraped a pass for that only to end up resenting the very subject that I’d studied. Composition. I only studied that to avoid getting a job a little longer, but I felt that I couldn’t be a performer, because the anxiety was just too much.
But that said, I now had two degrees to my name. That in itself should have been seen as an achievement. At that point I was too anxious trying to work out what was “next”. (I got stuck in zero hours contracts for years, because I was too afraid to actually leave the university)
What if I messed up and everyone laughed at me? I’m rubbish! I’d failed the performance module in my first year because anxiety and viola don’t go together very well. I felt that I couldn’t ask for support or help because I’d be judged. I didn’t play the piano seriously during university either, choosing to keep it as a side hobby because I was terrified of the resident piano tutor.
Fear of failure and judgement were the two main things that were holding me back from essentially being me!
It took me until my late 30s to really step up and own who I am. I had to unlearn all the things that had made me fear life itself.
Now I’m a pianist in my own right. Not afraid to perform (but like to be invited to perform, as I’m a Projector (IYKYK)), and set up my own community Christmas Concert which will hit it’s third year this year. Unlearning fear of judgement and the need for perfectionism was key to finding my confidence. After a lifetime of being judged for what I wasn’t doing or didn’t achieve, it was time to step into my power and do things my OWN WAY.
I’m not a concert pianist, nor do I ever want to be. I’m an entertainer, I put on a good show, I make people laugh, I can bring them to tears through music and storytelling. My talent is sight reading, which means nothing is ever perfect but I have a very wide repertoire of music, and I’m happy to share that with whoever wants to experience it.
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