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Slightly different type of blog post this month, as I’d love to incorporate bits of my story/book as well as business updates…
This was a trend going around Tiktok, “Taking your younger self for coffee” which I’m on but not really a fan of, but this prompt made me think…
How much younger? early 30s? 20s? teens?
Each decade would have a completely different dynamic. But each decade would contain elements of anxiety at various levels.
This is a poignant age, so I’m going to go for a coffee with my 19 year old self…
I approach the café about ten minutes early, but to my surprise 19 year old me is already sat there waiting. Sitting awkwardly on a chair having not yet ordered her coffee. When I greet her, she gives me a slightly sheepish “hi” back. “You could have ordered before I got here? I wouldn’t have minded” I said. “oh… I was being polite.” She went red as she answered. She was always used to waiting for the company to arrive and be seated before making any decisions.
I went to order both of our drinks. I knew she’d love the mint hot chocolate, I got the same. It would take her half an hour before she was able to drink it, but that was fine, we had time.
“How’s things?” I asked. “Meh” was the reply. She wasn’t up for talking much. She looked sombre, and apologised. “My coursework is getting on top of me at the moment.” “Just take it at your own pace? Is there any situation that could get you an extension perhaps?”
“Oh…. I just split up with my boyfriend, I haven’t slept much for the last few months…” “Jenny, you’ve got to ask for help… you can’t carry on like that…” “but the tutor scares the hell out of me!” she shuddered. “I’d rather just carry on by myself if I’m honest…” “Ok” I said, resigned. I knew life would work out in the end, but my younger self had no idea what was ahead.
“Look,” I said, “I’m not going to lie, you’ve got a rocky road ahead.” She looked despondently back at me. “Oh.” “But,” I continued, “You do find your dream life eventually, you’ve just got to weather the storms and be patient.” “How patient?” She asked gingerly. She’d spent her childhood being patient for everyone else, it felt like it was never going to end. I reassured her that patience is actually a strength, and it will come in very useful for when she has a child. “I’ll have a child?!” she exclaimed in surprise. She hadn’t even thought that far ahead.
“Yes.” I confirmed. “He’ll be special in his own way, you’ll need a lot of patience and understanding, but you’ll have built enough resilience to deal with it all by then, so no need to worry.” Had I said too much? Tears were forming in her eyes… “Sorry, I always get over emotional when I think about the big stuff.” she apologised. “How am I supposed to not worry about everything? I don’t even know what I want to do when I graduate – I might not even graduate at this rate!”
“It’s ok, honestly!” I answered. “It may seem that everything is up in the air at the moment, but trust me, everything will work out. I’m you but twenty years later, look at me!” “Twenty years?!” She raised an eyebrow, ” I thought you were maybe 28 or 29?”
“Everyone says that!” I laugh, “but they go quiet when I say I’ve been happily married for over twelve years!” My younger self’s eyes widened. “T…twelve years??” “Yep” I beamed. “You’ll meet the love of your life at 21 but he won’t be the guy you first assume.” “Things seem so lonely right now though…no one even gives me a second glance…” I smiled confidently at her. “You don’t need anyone right now. Concentrate on your studies. When the chance comes, do the MA, and you’ll not regret it.” “Oh” she replied. “But my parents want me to do a PGCE?” “For once, don’t listen to them Jenny!” She looked shocked. Dare she defy her parents wishes?
They wanted what was best for her, but her anxiety told her she’d be a rubbish teacher. “Listen Jenny, you’ll take lessons from your MA that you didn’t expect to learn, even if the whole thing is just a ruse to avoid getting a “real” job.” Her eyes widened … “Yeah I don’t know what direction to take, all my classmates know what they want to do, but I just sit there lost most days…”
My eyes softened. “It’s ok to have no direction at this age, you’ll work out what your calling is by the time you’re 30. By the time you’re 35 you’ll have achieved more than you ever could dream of!” “But I don’t have dreams of what I want to do?” she said, puzzled. “That’s the magic of it. Don’t let the bullies dictate your life. Ride the waves, and come out of the other side on top.” I enthused. “oh.” she looked at the floor “The bullies?” “Ah, yes the bullies don’t technically stop until 2020. But everything literally stops in 2020, yet it’ll be the best time of your life!” I smiled.
Young Jenny seemed a bit more positive then. She had all this to look forward to. It wasn’t going to be doom and gloom forever. The situation is temporary, it will pass. “I don’t want to give you too many spoilers!” I said sheepishly, “but I have two nuggets for you…” “Go on?” She questioned. “In Life: Trust the process!“ “Ok I see” She replied. “And the second one is that you reinvent yourself as Jen!” I laughed.
The mint hot chocolates had become a more drinkable temperature, so we both devoured them, she made a mental note about discovering her favourite flavour of hot chocolate, and then we just waved each other off with best wishes for our futures. (because hugs were strictly off limits!)
There’s a lot we’d love to say to our younger selves, but at the same time, if we were actually able to do that, it could change the entire trajectory of how our lives have happened. Every experience I’ve experienced so far, has made me who I am, and I’m proud of who I’ve become. This year I’m working more on public speaking and promoting my book. Yet these reflective type posts are quite interesting when looking back and imagining what it felt like back then.
I’m a very different person to who I was back then, but at the same time, I’m the same person with the same core values and principles. How I project myself, how I hold myself, how I talk about myself and life is very different. I’m no longer the timid anxious person who was scared to take opportunities. I’m truly confident in my own power. I’m the Tropic Pianist Gamer, best selling author and podcaster.
